The town of Brooks was a lively town off of highway 96 in the northern part of Maine. There were always tourists and families coming and going through the town. There were the occasional accidents where one car hit another, but not much more than that usually happened. But that was about to change.
It was a cold day in November, and it was hunting season. But it was a Sunday so no one was really out hunting. Three boys were hanging out over one of their houses, when John had the great idea of taking his fathers rifles and going into the woods to try to find a deer. Jack and Dylan weren’t so sure about concurring to go out into the woods, but John reassured them that if they got caught that he would say it was all his fault.
John, 14, was a tall, thin but muscular boy. His father was the best hunter in the town and they lived off the money his father made during hunting season. Jack, 14, was a scrawny boy whose parents had left him in Brooks when he was 12 years old with his aunt and uncle. His uncle too, was a hunter but was nowhere near as good as John’s father. Dylan was a young boy who was only 9 years old; he lived on the outskirts of town with his grandparents, and tried to get away from home as much as possible.
After John persuaded Jack and Dylan to come with him they snuck inside and grabbed his fathers three 22’s. They dashed out of the house and into the cold. They ran through John’s backyard and into the woods. Dylan kept looking back to make sure that no one saw them. As they darted through the woods, Jack had thoughts racing through his mind about what would happen if they got caught.
As they were running through a clearing, they stopped when Dylan saw something out of the corner of his eye. Jack said he saw it too, and thought it was a deer. John laid down in the tall green flora, in the middle of the clearing, and waited for another movement. When he saw it he took aim and deftly fired. He heard a loud yelping noise then a thud as the deer fell to the ground. The three boys ran over to see how big the deer was.
Jack was the first one to reach the deer. He screamed when he got there. The other boys ran up behind Jack.
"Whats wrong?" said John, and Dylan.
Then they saw it. There wasn’t a deer laying there on the ground limp, there was a man. There was a hole straight through his head. It went in the back of his head, and in the front there was a gigantic hole where the bullet had come out. John and Jack started freaking out.
"Now I rue ever coming out here at all!" Jack said, with a scared voice.
"What do you mean, you wanted to come out here!" John exclaimed.
"No, you said that nothing bad was going to happen and you convinced Dylan and I to come out with you!" said Jack
"Nevermind that, what are we going to do?" said John.
"We?" Said jack "You shot him!"
"But if we go back and tell we will all get in trouble for being out here with the guns anyway," said John.
They looked over at Dylan who was just shocked at what happened. . . He started murmuring something and then started lamenting. The man that was shot was his grandfather. He could tell because he had his name tag on from the garage he had worked at. Dylan leaped and grafted John and tackled him to the ground.
"Why did you shoot him? Why did you kill my grandfather? You asshole!"
Dylan was thrashing John for about five minutes before he got tired and rolled over onto the ground. He lay there weeping.
"Now what?" said Jack.
"I know said John. "The only way we could possibly get out of this without any of us getting in trouble is to quiet the only person who will talk."
"What do you mean?" said Jack.
"We have to kill Dylan," John whispered
"What? that is absolutely insane!" Said Jack. "You are kidding right. We can’t kill Dylan!" Jack Screamed.
Dylan over heard their fracas and stood up and started running. John quickly turned around, aimed and fired. Dylan fell to the ground.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Screamed Jack, "You just killed one of your best friends."
"I had to make sure he didn’t say a word," replied John.
"How do you know I won’t say something," said Jack.
"Because if you do, I'll kill you, too. I didn’t want to kill him Jack! But if I hadn’t I would have gone to jail for life," John replied calmly.
Then John’s voice deepened, "And I don’t want to go to jail JACK!, Now help me bury these bodies, We cant leave them out in the open like this."
Meanwhile back in Brooks the whole town was looking for the three boys and no one could find them. It was starting to get dark so the towns people started into the woods looking for the boys because they knew the boys wouldn't last in the cold at night.
Back in the woods Jack was reluctantly helping John drag the bodies to a hole that he had made Jack dig with his hands. The palor of his skin was caused the the freezing cold zephyr that passed through the area. John had subjugated him and was making him do whatever he said. Jack’s hands were all scratched up because the dirt was frozen, so Jack had to break through the frozen dirt with his fists.
As John was dragging Dylan’s body to the grave, Jack saw an opportunity to escape and started sprinting, back to town. John saw him, and started shooting. He shot twice and both times bullets just hit trees that were next to Jack. He was running for about five minutes before he noticed the towns people walking through the woods looking for them.
Jack ran up to the sheriff and told him what was going on. The sheriff sent three men back to the station to get rifles and the rest of the police ran into the woods following Jack to where John was. The police stopped a few hundred feet from the place where John was, and planned out their approach. Then two officers went in and took John by force. John got two shots off, but luckily nobody else was seriously injured. They pinioned his hands, and dragged him out of the woods to the police station.
John was charged with 1st degree murder, on two accounts, and was sent to a Juvenile hall until he turned eighteen, He would then be sent to a state penitentiary, where he would stay for the remainder of his life.
As for Jack, six years later he moved from Maine and is now living in Omaha, Nebraska with his wife and two children. Their names are Dylan, and Jordan. Dylan was named after his best friend, who John had killed.
It was a cold day in November, and it was hunting season. But it was a Sunday so no one was really out hunting. Three boys were hanging out over one of their houses, when John had the great idea of taking his fathers rifles and going into the woods to try to find a deer. Jack and Dylan weren’t so sure about concurring to go out into the woods, but John reassured them that if they got caught that he would say it was all his fault.
John, 14, was a tall, thin but muscular boy. His father was the best hunter in the town and they lived off the money his father made during hunting season. Jack, 14, was a scrawny boy whose parents had left him in Brooks when he was 12 years old with his aunt and uncle. His uncle too, was a hunter but was nowhere near as good as John’s father. Dylan was a young boy who was only 9 years old; he lived on the outskirts of town with his grandparents, and tried to get away from home as much as possible.
After John persuaded Jack and Dylan to come with him they snuck inside and grabbed his fathers three 22’s. They dashed out of the house and into the cold. They ran through John’s backyard and into the woods. Dylan kept looking back to make sure that no one saw them. As they darted through the woods, Jack had thoughts racing through his mind about what would happen if they got caught.
As they were running through a clearing, they stopped when Dylan saw something out of the corner of his eye. Jack said he saw it too, and thought it was a deer. John laid down in the tall green flora, in the middle of the clearing, and waited for another movement. When he saw it he took aim and deftly fired. He heard a loud yelping noise then a thud as the deer fell to the ground. The three boys ran over to see how big the deer was.
Jack was the first one to reach the deer. He screamed when he got there. The other boys ran up behind Jack.
"Whats wrong?" said John, and Dylan.
Then they saw it. There wasn’t a deer laying there on the ground limp, there was a man. There was a hole straight through his head. It went in the back of his head, and in the front there was a gigantic hole where the bullet had come out. John and Jack started freaking out.
"Now I rue ever coming out here at all!" Jack said, with a scared voice.
"What do you mean, you wanted to come out here!" John exclaimed.
"No, you said that nothing bad was going to happen and you convinced Dylan and I to come out with you!" said Jack
"Nevermind that, what are we going to do?" said John.
"We?" Said jack "You shot him!"
"But if we go back and tell we will all get in trouble for being out here with the guns anyway," said John.
They looked over at Dylan who was just shocked at what happened. . . He started murmuring something and then started lamenting. The man that was shot was his grandfather. He could tell because he had his name tag on from the garage he had worked at. Dylan leaped and grafted John and tackled him to the ground.
"Why did you shoot him? Why did you kill my grandfather? You asshole!"
Dylan was thrashing John for about five minutes before he got tired and rolled over onto the ground. He lay there weeping.
"Now what?" said Jack.
"I know said John. "The only way we could possibly get out of this without any of us getting in trouble is to quiet the only person who will talk."
"What do you mean?" said Jack.
"We have to kill Dylan," John whispered
"What? that is absolutely insane!" Said Jack. "You are kidding right. We can’t kill Dylan!" Jack Screamed.
Dylan over heard their fracas and stood up and started running. John quickly turned around, aimed and fired. Dylan fell to the ground.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Screamed Jack, "You just killed one of your best friends."
"I had to make sure he didn’t say a word," replied John.
"How do you know I won’t say something," said Jack.
"Because if you do, I'll kill you, too. I didn’t want to kill him Jack! But if I hadn’t I would have gone to jail for life," John replied calmly.
Then John’s voice deepened, "And I don’t want to go to jail JACK!, Now help me bury these bodies, We cant leave them out in the open like this."
Meanwhile back in Brooks the whole town was looking for the three boys and no one could find them. It was starting to get dark so the towns people started into the woods looking for the boys because they knew the boys wouldn't last in the cold at night.
Back in the woods Jack was reluctantly helping John drag the bodies to a hole that he had made Jack dig with his hands. The palor of his skin was caused the the freezing cold zephyr that passed through the area. John had subjugated him and was making him do whatever he said. Jack’s hands were all scratched up because the dirt was frozen, so Jack had to break through the frozen dirt with his fists.
As John was dragging Dylan’s body to the grave, Jack saw an opportunity to escape and started sprinting, back to town. John saw him, and started shooting. He shot twice and both times bullets just hit trees that were next to Jack. He was running for about five minutes before he noticed the towns people walking through the woods looking for them.
Jack ran up to the sheriff and told him what was going on. The sheriff sent three men back to the station to get rifles and the rest of the police ran into the woods following Jack to where John was. The police stopped a few hundred feet from the place where John was, and planned out their approach. Then two officers went in and took John by force. John got two shots off, but luckily nobody else was seriously injured. They pinioned his hands, and dragged him out of the woods to the police station.
John was charged with 1st degree murder, on two accounts, and was sent to a Juvenile hall until he turned eighteen, He would then be sent to a state penitentiary, where he would stay for the remainder of his life.
As for Jack, six years later he moved from Maine and is now living in Omaha, Nebraska with his wife and two children. Their names are Dylan, and Jordan. Dylan was named after his best friend, who John had killed.
9 comments:
1. I would like the reader to get the main ideas and what the characters look like out of this paper. I would also like for them to get the main ideas of the paper and why the boy shot his friend.
2. What i think works well in this piece is the three boys who go into the woods and accidentally shoot one of the boys grandfather.
What was easy to write about was what the weather was like in maine.
3. I ended the story pretty quickly and i dont feel that that worked too well because it seemed rushed. I couldnt really think of what to write about when i was explaining the boys. I kinda had writers block
4. WHAt did i do wrong was not put vocab words in and i also need to do some other stuff as well. Evan could you please tell me everything that is wrong with it and where you think i could put some of the vvocab words.
is this chris annis
There were multiple conflicts in the story, but I think the main one was how Jack was going to escape John. It was an external conflict. I was resolved when John found an opening and escaped Jack. I was pretty invested in the story; especially after John killed Dylan (I was not expecting that). I don’t know how it could have been more dramatic, because it was very dramatic.
The antagonist, John, goes from an average kid to a raving psychopath. After he shoots the old man, he shoots Dylan, and if he wasn’t caught soon enough he probably would have gone on an even bigger killing spree. If he wasn’t turned into a psychopath, he probably would have turned himself in, instead of killing Dylan. The story would be really short if he wasn’t a psychopath.
My favorite part of the story is when John kills Dylan. It is the falling action. Though disturbing, it is powerful and intense. It put a spin on the story. Not only did John kill a grandfather, who he had mistaken for a deer, but he pulled the trigger on a friend too. I like the part of the story showing a young boy’s reaction after his grandfather is shot. Chris writes, “They looked over at Dylan who was just shocked at what happened. He started murmuring something, and then he started crying. The man that was shot was his grandfather. He could tell because he had his name tag on from the garage he worked at.” It shows great emotion. I can picture the boy shaking and muttering. Where he adds the sentence in about the man wearing his work uniform with a name tag in it, this personalizes the story. This was not only a grandfather, but also a hard working citizen. He belonged to Chris and to the garage.
I like the use of dialogue in this story. It adds greatly to the story. The story shows how friendships can be close and comfortable, yet change according to the circumstances. The conversations show this changing tone, as the friends begin to turn on each other after the shooting. The story starts off as the friends are acting like typical kids, hanging out, and testing their boundaries. Then the events get exciting as the hunting begins. Next, the conversation gets tense, as the friends begin to turn on each other after the shooting: "What the hell is wrong with you?" screamed Jack, "You just killed one of your best friends."Finally, the conversation is more serious: “How you know I won’t say something, said Jack. Because if you do I’ll kill you too. The characters voice came through with the use of this dialogue.
The theme of the story deals with fear and guilt. I think the writer was trying to tell the reader that an unfortunate accident happened. An innocent grandfather and hunter were shot, because an inexperienced hunter, a boy thought he was a deer. He got overexcited and shot. This “killer” felt guilty and wanted to cover up this unfortunate act. He immediately thought irrationally and killed the grandson, also his friend. He wanted to cover up any connections to the grandfather. He was young and naïve and didn’t think of the consequences this second killing would have for him. So the theme, innocence and guilt can cause a person to act irrationally.
Chris has a good story. He has many punctuation and grammar errors. He has some proper nouns that need to be capitalized, like names. He also needs to watch where he uses quotes. He needs to capitalize the first word in the quote, and he does not need to capitalize the “asked and said” words after the quote. There are a few spelling errors. Chris’s just needs to edit his work for spelling, grammar, and punctuation.
1. the external conflict is that john killed a man and didnt want to get caught. It was resolved by Jack escaping, telling the police, and John getting caught.I wanted to know how it ended and i could have made it more dramatic by having John getting away for a little while.
2. John became evil and was killig people.His chage was important to the story because if he didt start killing people then the story would be boring.
3. My favorite part of the story was when John killed Dylan because it made me think about what was going to happen. That happened in the climax. "Why did you shoot him?, Why did you kill my grandfather? You asshole!" This stuck out because it was a high point in the story and it was basically why John killed his best friend.
4. i think the best quality was the ending and how he got caught. If he got away it would have made no sense because he killed two people and was trying to kill another.
5.I think the theme was to not overeact and kill a bunch of people.
6.You need to add the vocab words.
1)i thought the conflict was that he had killed his friend and he didnt want any one to find out. it was an internal conflict. it was resolved when one of the friends escapes and finds the authorities. to tell them about his friend.
2)the main character changes over the story by getting more evil. without his change the story would not have been as interesting and it wouldnt have been such an intesting story.
3)my favorte part of the story was when he had killed all his friends and the were barying his friends and his friend ran off to get the athorities. this occured in the climax of the story.'John saw Him, and started shooting at him. He shot twice and both times the bullets just hit tree’s that were next to Jack'.i licked this quote because it was full of action.
4)i thought that the stories best quality was its action. i liked this because you used good description.
5)i thought that the theme of the story is that even the best people can turn bad.and i dont really get the second part of the question.
6)i though tthe author should work on his gramor, punctuation, and spelling evn though there wernt alot i still think it would have made it much better if those few mistakes had been corrected.
The greatest change I made from my first draft to my final draft would have to be that I fixed all the speliing and grammatical errors and I seperated all the dialogue. If I hadnt done this, the story would have looked trashy and nobody would have had wanted to keep reading it past the 3rd paragraph. I think that the comments on my short story were probably the most helpful when editing my story, they really helped me focus on what I needed to fix in my story. I think my stories greatest strength is its dialogue. I feel that my dialogue really helped the story, and I also feel that my dialogue made the story what it is. Some advice I would give to next years students would be to not write your story around the vocab words. Focus on writing the actual story first, you can worry about the vocab later.
vocab words used in "Look Before You Shoot"
Vocab words used in my short story were;
1. Subjugate-verb- to conquer or bring under control. John took control of what Jack was doing in my story.
2. Graft-verb- To join or attack. Dylan attacked John after he found that John shot his grandfather.
3. Lament-verb- to cry. Dylan started crying after he found out John killed His grandfather.
4. Deftly-Adjective- With skill and ability. John fired the rifle with skill in my story.
5. Thrash-verb- To strike repeatedly. Dylan hit john repeatedly after he found out John killed his grandfather.
6. Flora- noun- Plants. John laid down in the plants and took aim.
7. Pallor-noun- Paleness. Jack's face was pale from the cold.
8. Zephyr- noun- A gentle breeze. The gentle breeze made Jack's hands even colder.
9. Concur-verb- To agree. Jack and dylan didnt agree that they should go into the woods with John.
10. Fracas-noun- A noisy dispute. Dylan overheard John and Jack's noisy dispute about him.
11. Rue- verb- To regret. Jack regretted coming into the woods with John.
12. Pinioned-verb- To bind or shackle. The police bound John's hands and broughtt him to the police station.
i hate this it sucks!!!!
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